From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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