I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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