just come out here and I will go home with you...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
