My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
