life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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