You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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