fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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