I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
