we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
