apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize