i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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