I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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