I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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