Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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