who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
