But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
