Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
