Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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