I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i've created a new STD.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
