Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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