This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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