Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
no, he came in my armpit
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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