What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
