You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
