"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
