how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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