I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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