her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
