you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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