So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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