You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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