I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
