we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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