I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
