Just took my morning after pill in the library
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
