If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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