stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
