i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize