Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
