omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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