That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
