I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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