I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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