So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
