Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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