dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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