My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
