Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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