So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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