I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize