I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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