my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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