i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
