so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
