I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
