I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
