Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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