He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My vagina is very pro this idea
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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